So, a fellow editor at the Guardian newspaper asked for an article of the above theme to use in her magazine, then as editors do, she didn't use it because of space. Here's the article in full for your benefit anyway. It's supposed to be funny people - use with caution.
How to let your
relationship survive Carnival.
Charmaine Daisley
How your relationship goin’? Ting goin’ nice? You sure? So
you think it could pass the carnival test? What carnival test, you asking? Like
you ain’t hear what Destra and TC talk about or what? It have thirsty people
out there you know, just waiting to pounce on your man or your woman when you
not looking. Some of them so boldface they pouncing on them while you stand up
right there up in their face!
Hear this – don’t dig no horrors. It have ‘nough ways for
all kinds of situations to deal with these man thief and woman nabbers out
there. Whether you in a party, on the road Monday and Tuesday, or prefer to
cool it on the beach for the Season, I have a long list of tips and tricks you
could choose from to make sure that come Ash Wednesday morning, you don’t end
up in sackcloth and ashes crying your sunburn eyes out because your man or
woman jump and wave goodbye to you.
Beauties and the
beach
So you and your man just reach Maracas beach and one set of
girls done start to eye him from the time you all come out of the car. Have no
fear, choose any tactic below:
- Pull out the bottle of citronella oil insect repellent you bought for your camp trip last month. Open your hand as big as you can and give your man one slap in the middle of his back (and don’t feel bad because he done start to look at the nice girls already). Then tell him it was a huge mosquito you killed and you need to rub the citronella oil on him to keep insects away. The high smell will keep any mosquitoes, or girls, away for a long time. Reapply as needed.
- Approach all the groups of girls and ask if they saw the massage therapist on the beach for the day yet. They most likely will look at you puzzled. Then volunteer the information that you heard a massage therapist who specializes in massaging a man’s waist would be on the beach and that your boyfriend needs to get a waist massage badly because he’s not able to move his waist at all lately. Tell them it’s so bad that he can’t even go to work lately and his money is running low. This last bit (if not the stiff waist) would have them shifting their eyes away from your man to someone else’s.
Big trucks and
panorama
Monday mas was nice. Those three fellas you saw eyeing Latoya,
your fiancé, in the mas camp didn’t show up in the band. But today, Tuesday,
they are there in all their glory with their big arms and strong chest and
tattoos all up their neck and ‘round their belly buttons. And whole morning every
girl in the band staring them down – including yours.
Hear what. Try this:
- Climb the big truck every half hour to get a panoramic view of everyone – especially those three muscle-teers. If you see them anywhere close to where you and your girl are wining and waving, get down and move your girl to another spot in the band. Keep this up until your fiancé is too tired from moving to do anything – least of all watch the parade of muscles – or until the truck driver, a performing artiste, or the DJ tells you not to come back on the blas&@d truck.
Feeling Fete-ish?
You and your husband real good. You know he ain’t going
anywhere and he’s cool with you too. With this in mind you all hit the biggest
fete for the weekend. Everyone who is anyone is there. For the whole night your
kind and gentle husband is buying drinks for everyone and you’re getting pretty
mad because he is the one with the least money out of everyone there. So before
you tell the love of your life anything that could spoil your 30-year marriage,
try one of these:
- Every time one of his colleagues tries to approach, do the Percy Villafana – you know, cross your hands in front of you to ward off any blood-thirsty PMs (Puncheon Monsters).
- If the above doesn’t work, when your husband goes to the bar for the tenth time, tell the PMs that you need to tell them something before he comes back – then ‘reveal’ that your hubby has a shoe fetish when he’s drinking, and that usually, everyone who is drinking with him has to pour their tenth drink in his shoe and sip from it. Then watch the lochos disappear.
Hope these relationship-saving tips and tricks help to save
your love life this Carnival. For more wholesome advice like this, visit my
website at idontknowwhatthehellimtalkingabout.com.
Charms
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